Balancing the Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship
As a gay man in my late 40s, my life has involved numerous, mostly enjoyable years pursuing casual sex with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I was in a serious relationship that lasted a significant period, but I never felt completely content, because I felt neither loved or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved casual sex. Every time I start to date any man, when the initial excitement fades, I always get the urge to be intimate with new partners again.
Reflecting on the Possibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that numerous gay men engage in non-monogamous arrangements, yet from my observations, they have seemed like hard work, often resulting in lots of pain and jealousy for everyone involved. In many ways, I want a partner to care for me while letting me remain sexually free, but I dread to imagine the psychological toll this would cause. Is it best to keep having casual sex and accept that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I feel a bit lost.
Every person’s intimate path varies. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle various forms of intimate connections as fixed. Your needs as you are experiencing them now could easily shift down the road; eventually you might become more decisive and find greater understanding and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. One day you might meet a person offering a transformative opportunity to you through mirroring your desires completely … and at another point you might decide that non-committal encounters are best for you. Worrying about what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is merely rooted in fear and squandering of your energy. Aim to stay in the moment in your relationships, and see the value of every individual with whom you might have an intimate bond. If and when you are ever ready to deepen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based therapy professional who specialises in addressing sexual disorders.
